Man down! Trouble OFF the Court!

Sis. Sister...You ever NOT be able reach your man during the season because he's in the basketball sunken place? He's not taking the necessary risks on the court, he's in a "blah" mood, not playing like himself, losing confidence and his overall head is just not in the game? (The literal reason ya'll are even out here.) He's just so distracted that it almost comes across like he's sad all the time right? Been there. Hated it.

I didn't hate it because he couldn't be what I needed him to be in every moment. I didn't hate it because I only love to see him do well and never slip or fall. I didn't hate it because he wasn't a top scorer of the game. I'm not new to working and even in jobs I've loved, there were down times. I understand imposter syndrome and how it works. I hated it because I felt useless as a wife. :( I didn't know what to say to reach him or help...and it threw me off. At some points, I even thought it was me. Like did I do something? Say something wrong?

We creatives are different in how we think. We're nothing like athletes and while our "gigs" or "jobs" or the work we have to produce are like sports in that they're performance-based, we don't understand what it's like to have a mental block that stops your body from moving how you want it to move; only our brains from working how we want them to and that one battle is enough. Try two. I will never understand what it feels like to be the bread-winner in a relationship and the main thing I need to work in order to provide...AIN'T WORKIN'. Not my story.

Even with the ounce that I can relate to, not everyone responds to the same solutions or ways of motivation. What works for me doesn't work for him and it took me awhile to understand that. I learned the hard way because I tried everything in MY book to pull him out and was met with love and respect, yes....but no real response or shift. AS A WIFE...that was hard. Being taught in church that my position was to be a helpmate, while believing I was failing at it, had me feeling like I was...idk...dishonoring Jesus or something. Lol. I made it DEEP deep. Sometimes it is. :/

Truth is though...my idea of how I needed to pull him out of this funk was faulty to begin with. While a natural response to try my own ways, I later learned that I should've done three things first; 1. Prayed then simply asked him what HE needed, 2. Took that info and applied it THE VERY NEXT TIME and 3. Field research, i.e humble up and either buy a book about sports psychology or seek wise counsel on communication in not just sports, but marriage (relationship). Lol. Instead, I internalized his mood and made it about me. Are you mad at ME? Did I do something? Am I not good enough for you? Totally unfair to both of us because if we're both drowning, who is saving who?

One thing I learned about marriage is that it is NEVER 50/50 at any given moment. Sometimes, and we know this as partners to these guys, we have to bite the bullet, temporarily put our emotions to the side if need be and handle business. The business?...ya'll's purpose (why did God call us to this and give us, of all people, this HUGE opportunity?) and THEN the game. 9 times out of 10 girl, their 'tudes are not about us. It's about them and who they believe and know they are when they're both on and OFF the court. This kind of work, on your end, is mainly done OFF the court.

SO....for this blog, I revisited the topic and asked my husband what he personally needed from me when those moments happen (or general really). His response was this (paraphrasing):

"Basketball, while I love it, is not my whole life. I like when we talk about and do other things outside of it. You can of course ask me about it but I don't want to think about it all the time when I'm at home and in my safe space. Don't be offended if I don't wanna go into detail about practice because I want to leave work at work. Let me come to you sometimes. I just need you to keep our routine and stay doing what you do. Crack the joke, give the kiss, suggest the date idea... Basically maintain (the routine is dependent on the personal dynamic of your relationship sis).

Sometimes I need space to feel how I feel and cope and it's not personal. I'll come around. Lastly, if something is wrong with you, don't avoid talking to me about it because you're afraid I can't handle it when I'm in a mood. I'm your husband and you making yourself small is only going to make problems bigger. I'm not ignoring you. I'm a man and we don't always communicate our feelings the same way. That's all."

Ya'll.... that was more than half the battle won. After much prayer and self-reflection, plus listening to him a few times...it finally dawned on me that I was making tough seasons tougher because of my mindset and approach to it. This is not to say I don't fall into old habits, I'm just a girl, BUT...I no longer sit here second-guessing my sacred position in life because he's having a hard time with his on the court.

ASK THAT MAN STRAIGHT UP WHAT HE NEEDS. SPEAK UP AND ADVOCATE FOR WHAT YOU NEED (this one took me awhile). If neither of you know, get into your research bag Queen. Seek wise counsel from those you truly trust with the advancement and betterment of your relationship. Crack open the Word of God. Pray for him and pray that you can see with your heart, not just your eyes. Step out ya chest for a sec and think. Do the practical work and have conversations.

Lastly, remember that while this lifestyle is all-consuming at times, it is never bigger than God. It is never bigger than purpose and it for darn sure is never bigger than the well-being and health of your relationship.

I'm praying for us all as we learn to navigate this space year after year. As experienced as some of us are, we'll never stop learning how to manage what we do. Stay humble. Say teachable. We got this!

See you on the sidelines sis,